As a rule in our society, we’ve found ways to fill every tiny space and moment in our lives with productivity. And if not productivity, then an endless supply of mindless entertainment. We’ve shoved mental stimulation into every gap we can find. Boredom is dead, which means freedom of thought, of imagination, is dying too.
We no longer leave space for our minds to spin their own wheels, run off into worlds of their own. Any writer knows that time alone with our own thoughts is vital. Any artist or creative of any kind knows that place of inner solitude is where creation is born.
I’ve been taught throughout my life to drown out the little voice inside. I’ve been told that staying busy is far better than having free time. That working hard is more important than anything else. That more is better than enough. That fast and efficient is better than slow and contemplative.
But being busy, working hard, and moving fast rob us of that one vital quality we all need: awareness. The rush strips away the time to observe, to witness, to wander. We cannot create without the ability to notice. We cannot reflect without the time to integrate.
A few nights ago, I had the honor of participating in a one-on-one guided breathwork session with my dear friend Joy. I’ve known her for six years, and she has inked many a large and intricate tattoo into my body. Our relationship borders on more of a therapist-client level than an artist-client level at times, so we have built a lot of trust over the years. She was the perfect guide for this inner journey.
The beautiful thing about breathwork, as Joy said to me, is that it’s a gateway to the wisdom of our own bodies. Our breath becomes a roadmap guiding us within ourselves. As long as you can breathe, you cannot do it wrong. If you allow it, your body will show you the truth. If you can take your anxieties, your self judgements, your concerns and set them aside, for even just a brief time, you will be rewarded with connection.
As a recovering perfectionist obsessed with getting everything right, stepping into a practice that I could not do wrong was both comforting and confusing. What’s the point of doing something if I can’t be the best at it? But, with Joy’s gentle guidance, I tried to set that attitude aside. I dove into that internal ocean, searching for my self trust.
I have struggled with trusting myself my entire life. Like many women, many people, I’ve been conditioned out of trusting my self. I’ve been taught that everyone else has the correct answers, and I must default to them. I’ve been encouraged to be rational, reasonable, practical, and controlled. As a scientist especially, I’ve been trained to trust logic and reason over everything. It takes a dedicated practice to unlearn these things. And it takes conscious choice.
Someone close to me recently referred to me as the lost soul of my family. What may appear as lost to those on the outside is someone deeply rooted to values, someone trying to know the depths of the inner ocean, while some on the outside worry that I might get pulled under. I’m working to align myself more deeply with what feels right for me, rather than the path that others have set out before me. This means my path won’t always be in alignment with what others expect.
It also means I need a lot of time to listen to my self, the wisdom of my own body, and dedicated practices to do so. By the end of my breathwork session, I felt a stronger connection to my inner voice, and felt more at home within my body. I was more dedicated to my own peace than I knew I could be. I chose to trust my body to carry me through the process, to show me what I needed, and it did. I am beginning to understand what it means when they say, “trust the practice.”
I’ve been intentionally carving out more time to spend in my own head, fighting for the freedom to be with my self again. It hasn’t been easy, and it means giving up time I put into other things, like writing on Substack. But I am trusting my methods.
I’ve been hiking alone. No headphones, no plans, just me and my dog. I know few things more healing, more freeing, than being in communion with Nature. Giving her my grief, my worry, my doubt, and letting her guide me.
Out of those quiet hikes in the woods and grasslands have bloomed scene after scene of the book I am writing. The world has unfolded and unraveled in my mind, expanding and growing, spreading like wild strawberry plants with runners leading from one plant to the next. Tiny white flowers turning to fruit in an interconnected web. I feel real, childlike freedom again. The rigid structures and judgements fall away, the worry about how productive I “should” be disappears, and I allow time to truly connect with myself.
So, with each passing week I have spiraled further and further inward. I’m giving myself the gift of being, rather than doing. Taking on less, simplifying more. I do not have to do everything perfectly. I don’t even have to try to do everything. The less I do, the more I notice, the more I feel. The more I want to create just for the act of creating.
The need to prove myself, to earn my place with others, has diminished in proportion to the amount of energy I have redirected toward myself. My outward engagement is comfortably low, my social presence growing quieter, but my creative force has never felt stronger.
I'm slowly returning here, dipping my toes for a time, then retreating, but I'm very glad to have seen and read this. There is a lot to admire here, a lot to recommend--it can be oh-so-very-difficult in our busy late stage-/early post-capitalist societies to actually give yourself the attention you need. It is something I need to consider myself, too, I've felt adrift lately, and I know I need to force myself out into the world once more.
(I'm also excited that, as you think about you, you are also finding your story brings itself to life. This is so often the case, but it requires a LOT of work to get your head to that state, where the story seemingly breathes life into itself when, in actuality, it is merely a reflection of your own work, your own breathing.)
Now time to retreat from Substack again, many thanks for writing and sharing this.
Amen,sister. Bravo. Have you checked out Insight Timer yet? A seemingly endless number of meditations and breath work practices. I do it almost daily now. As to being the lost soul of your family, I just wonder if others may feel like lost souls as well, but do not express it. I am proud of you for moving towards what you need and what makes sense to you.