Letter to a Younger Self

In the spirit of turning 30

I know you think you need success. You think you want to pursue something “serious,” make a name for yourself. You want to build a career that everyone around you will admire. You feel like you have so much to prove, so much to earn.

You think the rigorous path of science will gain you the respect you long for. It will earn you a place in the world that you have fought so hard to carve out for yourself. It will make you feel worthy, finally, at long last.

You think that when you achieve these things, the degrees, the titles, the desk, the salary, you’ll finally feel secure. You’ll finally feel accepted. You’ll finally accept yourself. The sky will crack open and there will be a beam of golden light and you will say, “Ah, yes. This is my identity. I’ve made it. Look, world, I am worth something.”

You want to protect wildlife and wild places, of course. This path isn’t just a blind and selfish gauntlet toward societal standing. It’s a pure one, too. Born of innocence, curiosity, and care. You think the road of biology and rigorous research will give you some sort of power to change what you witness happening to the land and sea and creatures you love. Will grant you the ability to cease the endless breaking of your own heart.

But what about the wild places within yourself? What about that deep ocean of imagination and love you have had to bury far below? What about the wilderness of tangled creative whims you had to prune, cut, and stifle to make it this far? What about the beauty that flows from that heart when you allow it to be open, and broken, over and over again? Do you know how sacred that is?

Do you know what you really want? You really want to love, to care, to let the bright light of your bleeding heart pour into the world without hesitation, without fear.

You want to be free.

I know it’s tempting to look for permission from outside. I know you want to choose the path of normalcy, of safety. I know you think you need to earn your place in this world by racking up a laundry list of achievements in a field people respect. Then you will feel like you’ve finally arrived.

There are no answers out there, in the external world. There is only the pure wildness of your human heart and the connections it weaves with others.

There is no need to arrive – you already have. Again and again from the moment you were born.

You are already loved.

So please go easier on yourself. Free yourself. Pour just a portion of the compassion that you constantly shower onto everyone else into your own heart.

Give up the crusade against yourself. You are not the enemy.

Choose the path of love over fear. Listen to your heart more than your mind.

Step bravely, little one. You are already worthy. You are already free.   

Photos by Levi Price